Standing Still Beside Myself
by hahnibal
Summary: Clark decides to tell Lana of her feelings, his P.O.V.


Disclaimer: Um, I don't own Smallville, Superman, Clark Kent or anything else. Hell I hardly own the clothes on my back. So if your angry over my use of your characters, there really isn't anything to sue.  
  
This is my first fic ever so, read and then review, tell me what you liked, and what you didn't so I can improve. Oh and I have yet to decide if there is a second part to this or not. Okay, Happy reading folks.  
  
I awoke with a thud. Apparently I had been floating in my sleep again. I swore to myself one day I would figure out how to control that power. But not this day. Today was special. It was special like Lana was special. No, it was special because Lana was special. Today I made my move. Finally, I would no longer be "Good Ol' Clark." I couldn't just sit back and let my feelings go unheard any longer. Lana was not just the head cheerleader to me, not just the most popular girl in school and not just the quarterback's boyfriend. She was the embodiment of hope. MY embodiment of hope. My, she did have a great body, but I digress. Her body was not the reason for my longing. Her body took a backseat to her smile, to her caring manner and her everlasting sympathy. She was good. And she belonged in my arms. That quarterback did not deserve her. He had no idea how brilliant she was, how absolutely luminous her smile was. He had no right. It was me that saw her for all that she was. It was only me who could appreciate her properly. Her dark hair full and lustrous in the sun, acting so much like a black hole. She captured me in her gravitational field and threatened to bring me to the brink of destruction. The world had never seen someone like Lana, and the world didn't know what they were missing.  
  
Today, was Saturday, a day that had been prepared by me. I did not create Saturdays, but today I would own them. My plan had been set into motion. After today nothing would be the same, for better or for worse, this was where I made my stand. There was no going back, and as Lex would say, "It's about damn time." Whitney was gone for one of his dull, long football camps. His precious little game took up so much of his time, and his real treasure took far too little. It just proved that he did not appreciate her. I would appreciate her, I would be there when she needed someone, I would always be there for her. I know she knows this, but that's not enough. I need to tell her, I need to make her understand. She needs to know the feeling of being in my arms, because once she finds out nothing else will do. Nothing can compare to the calm reassurance that I can offer and the soothing comfort that can be found in my arms.  
  
I may fail, but Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." So this is how it's going to work; after my chores today, my tedious mundane activities of the day are through, I will make my way to the Lang stronghold. She will walk with me along the meandering riverbed. We will walk for a bit, drifting closer, talking about nothing in particular. I would compare her eyes to the sky, eyes that one could look into and see forever. Eventually we will reach a small clearing of land, where the trees along the river provide ample shade, and the trunks a convenient resting place. There we will sit side by side, as the water gurgles contentedly in the background. I will put my arm around her, over her shoulders. Her head will lie against my chest, so light as to be imperceptible, but relieving her of all her worries. As she reclines comfortably against me I will whisper in her ear all the things I've longed to tell her, all the feelings I have been gathering inside and all my fears. In the little clearing by the river I will be born. Much like confession cleanses the soul, my confession to Lana will result in a new Clark Kent. The secrets I had hidden from her for so long will finally be revealed and in the process, I will be born again and for the first time someone will know me completely. Why do I think about this girl so much? I am unlike anyone else on this planet, and yet I am subject to the same troubling emotions of the masses. I'm stronger than a hundred men, as impermeable as steal and yet this one girl can make me weak kneed, and a single look from her can pierce me to the core. What is this malady that afflicts me so? I believed that my only weakness was the strange green meteor rocks, and yet, Lana can do things to me that those rocks could never do. How strange it is to be unafraid of a car barreling down on you at 60 miles per hour, but terrified of a small slip of a girl occupying my personal space. It's really ludicrous if you think about it, but what can I do? It's beyond my control, and it actually feels nice being human for once.  
  
So, we'll be at the riverbed, the object of my affection in my arms, and all will seem right in the world. But can I have a moment like this? What if someone needs my help when I'm with her? Can I jeopardize someone else's life for something as trivial as my happiness? I have all these powers, powers that I can use to save others and therefore I am responsible for so many lives. I know I can't help everyone, but what am I if I don't try? I owe it to Smallville to be on guard, so I can help anyone in need. Damn it, why can't I be a normal teenager? Would I really miss these powers if I never had them? I doubt it. Life would be easier, and maybe even more enjoyable. Why? Why do I have to be on guard for them? Have they ever done anything for me? Would it be so bad if something happened to one of these people? Why can't I just be normal? I want a life. I need a life. But is it better just to save other people's lives?  
  
For once, I will not let it get to me. I'm just going to lie there against the tree and let the sounds of nature just wash over me. I will relax as the birds' songs wash away all feeling. I will lie there until my consciousness just ebbs away. But before I slip away into quiet meditation Lana must be with me. My "Fortress of Solitude" is large enough for two, and there is no one on this planet that I want to share it with other than her. I've cut off so many people from my life, and there are so many things that I just keep to myself. I need someone who I can tell everything to, someone who knows all my secrets and someone who can appreciate all that I have to go through. Is Lana the one for that? Everything in my body tells me yes, and if I can't trust my instincts, what can I trust?  
  
It's time to start the day, the day that I finally ask the questions that can lead to some answers. So what do I wear today? I can't give away my intentions by dressing up, yet I can not turn her off by looking like a total waste of skin. What do I wear?? Hah, I sound like a schoolgirl, obsessing about what to wear. Eh, but it's Lana, and for Lana I can take a little time. There simple blue jeans, navy blue t-shirt and red button down shirt. I guess that works.  
  
I run down the stairs that I've run down a million times before. At the end of the day those stairs will either be the longest set of stairs in my life or they may seem not to exist. I guess it's true, perspective is everything. My mom, my beautiful wonderful mom is waiting in the kitchen with a stack of pancakes that puts Mt. St. Helena's to shame, topped off with ripe red strawberries bursting with flavor, and blueberry lava running over the sides threatening to consume the tablecloth. My father sits at the kitchen table reading the ever present newspaper. I devour the pancakes, grunting my utter satisfaction for the wonderful meal. I have no idea what questions my parents ask me, but somehow I am able to answer them without conscious thought. I'm running on autopilot, my mind too busy thinking ahead to the day's activities. All too soon breakfast is over, and I am ready to take on the day. To tackle all that may come today. I profusely thank my mother for the meal, as she looks at me quizzically, obviously wondering why I am being so demonstrative today. My plans for the day have left me bubbling with anticipation.  
  
The activities required to sustain a farm have never been very interesting to me, and wouldn't you know it, the work was still work. Even with the prospect of seeing Lana in a few hours did nothing to change the disagreeable nature of farm work. Sure I was outside, but it just wasn't very challenging. A lot of people see farm work as physically draining, but for me, well, it was never very hard work. It was a little repetitive, but not very strenuous. Sometime between driving in fence posts and collecting eggs, my mind started wandering, and settled on my favorite subject. Lana. So I was wrong. Lana could even make farm work less unpleasant. Will the wonders never cease? All too soon my work was done, and nothing stood between me and my destiny. Nothing at all, except my own cowardice.  
  
Oh, I can talk a good game, but could I pull it out at crunch time? All these plans, but something is in the way. Me. It's so cliché, but I'm my own worst enemy. Can I really let myself stand in my way? Wait, did that make any sense? It doesn't matter; things concerning Lana never seem to make any sense anyway. I'm jerked out of my reverie by a soft almost shimmering voice calling my name. Before I look up, I know who it is. I can already smell her light scent of perfume and soap. Yep, it's her. I look up and see her face lit up with a smile. Lana is glowing. My heart doesn't stop, but it sure does try. I can barely squeak out a reply. And all my plans fly out the window. 


End file.
